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07 September 2015 @ 01:12 pm
tomorrow marks my 2nd year  
School officially begins tomorrow. I have a few hours before the second academic year begins.

I'm not ready. I don't want it to start. I haven't been lazy enough, and I don't want to own up to my actions, to my students' actions, to anything, really. I don't want to deal with kids with shitty attitudes, I don't want to deal with teaching a class of kids who can't help but be distracting and be a bit of a shithead because they're at that age and they don't know how to control their misbehaviors.

I don't want to be a teacher yet. I want to be a kid.

I'll be turning 24 this year. To be honest, it's terrifying to think that I'm 24 years old but feel like I'm 14, and be responsible for the education of 150 kids. I'm in charge of teaching 3 different curriculums this year, because I'm the only social studies teacher, and I don't want to take on that responsibility just yet.

I don't want to fail anyone: not my kids, not my colleagues and administration, and not myself. But I don't have the luxury of preparing anymore; I wasted that time acting like a shitty kid and procrastinated, just like my own kids.

One day, I'll look back at this post and just laugh. Not becuase I've become wiser or more mature, but because I'll be so enamoured with the shitty chaos and discord my kids are bringing every day along with their small successes and great victories. One day, I'll laugh at my misery because my kids will have given me the strength and the courage to do so.

But until that day comes, I'll just sit here and pout, just like my shitty kids.